Cristy Burne

Science writer, children's author, editor

Kangaroos are the new vampires: 5 reasons why

6 Comments

I’ve finished Takeshita Demons and am rewriting the first three chapters of One Weekend with Killiecrankie to feature the hottest new thing in children’s fiction: kangaroos.

Why? Because roos are on the rise! A group of kangaroos is called a “mob” (zombies), they’re mostly active at night (werewolves) and they can swallow their food without chewing (vampires). And that’s not all.

The world does not yet know it, but kangaroos are grosser than zombies, weirder than werewolves and better looking than Edward any day of the year.

Why? Here’s why:

1) Newborn kangaroos are utterly disgusting but all-powerful
A newborn kangaroo climbs into its mother’s pouch when it’s blind, hairless and the size of a jelly bean. Hello super-powers.

And they say theres no such thing as an ugly baby

And they say there’s no such thing as an ugly baby

2) Kangaroos can disembowel their enemies using only their toenails
Say no more. That’s serious power.

3) Kangaroos don’t fart
A supernatural power we’d all like to have: kangaroos don’t produce methane, which means a) their whizzpoppers don’t stink and b) kangaroos don’t contribute to global warming.

4) A female kangaroo can freeze the development of a fertilized egg until she’s ready to rear another baby.
A great technique for taking over the world. At any one time, a single female kangaroo can be feeding two joeys in her pouch and have a fertilized egg waiting in the wings. Incredibly, Joey Junior will be recieving high-fat milk from nipple A, while Joey Senior gets high-carb milk from nipple B (a supernatural power I neither possess nor desire).

5) A kangaroo weighs nearly 100 kilograms, can leap a 3-metre fence and chonks along at 70 km/h.
Translated, we’re talking a roo who weighs about the same as Muhammad Ali, can jump clean over a regulation-height basketball hoop and is able to outpace a greyhound.

Book shelves, watch out! Readers, be afraid! A new genre is birthing, and though it may be just the size of a jelly bean, it’s set to grow. Roo Fiction is on the rise.

Other posts you might enjoy:

8 cool myths about dogs, and why the inugami dog-god didn’t make it

Could Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak really make someone invisible?

How to write a synopsis: four big secrets and an example

 

Author: cristyburne

Author: http://www.cristyburne.com

6 thoughts on “Kangaroos are the new vampires: 5 reasons why

  1. “A supernatural power I neither possess nor desire.” Love it! I cracked up. Who knew kangaroos had so much going for them?

    P.S. I couldn’t NOT click on this with a title like that!

    Like

  2. that pic is descusting

    Like

  3. Heh heh heh. I’m glad you’ve read this. You’re prepared for anything now 🙂
    Isn’t non-fiction cool!!

    Like

  4. You’ve convinced me! Utterly!

    Like

  5. Ooooh, I love the idea… Like a bad fifties monster flick crossed with something- Well, not entirely cheesy.

    If I may offer an alternative title suggestion:

    Roo Fighters.

    Bwah-hah-ha-ha-hah.

    Like

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